The other day I was talking about my small town and the barber shop I visit monthly. Just down the street from Tom's Barber Shop is the Rexall Drug Store. One of the few left in the country that still has a counter soda fountain. Very refreshing place to go. While you wait for your prescription to be filled you get a coupon for a free small Coke. They used to call these a Nickel Coke, I still do. The glass, yes they still use glasses, is a small sized Coke shaped glass just like the large ones but about a third of the size. I don't know how much they are now, it's about 4 to 6 oz. When I was a kid, these stores and fountains were all over the country. We didn't have Quick Stop gas station fountains. The only fountains we had were probably Rexall Drug stores. Bill the pharmacist has vowed that as long as he's in business he will have a fountain open for his customers. Bill's getting a little old, about 10 years past retirement , getting a bit forgetful but people love having the store and Bill as their druggist. It's really like the movie "It's A Wonderful Life" but without Jimmy Stewart. And Bill upholds that image because he also "drinks a bit". But normally he's a true professional except maybe before holidays.

Well after getting my Thanksgiving hair cut and part raising and after I got my coat switched around to the proper owner at the barber shop, I remembered I had a prescription to fill for a routine medication I've been taking for allergies. So I walked on down to the Rexall to get it filled. Bill was there, very friendly and appeared perhaps a little more happy than usual due to the upcoming holiday. I gave him the prescription. Although I was the only customer, he gave me a number, it's all about tradition in Bill's Rexall. I sat down at the counter and Molly his wife says "you got a number?", which I presented to her for my free nickel Coke. Molly and I talked as I sipped my ice cold Coke in a glass. That is the only way to enjoy Coca Cola, 8 ounces or less in an ice cold glass. In a few minutes Bill called out "23! Your prescription is ready!" As I picked it from the counter he says "Thanks John, how's the wife and those Grandkids doin?" That's why I go to Bill's Rexall.

That was on Wednesday. I didn't take any of those pills until Friday after Thanksgiving. It was Black Friday, my wife left early that morning to catch a few bargains at the Mall in a nearby town. I declined going of course but suggested she take my pickup just in case of a bargain that may not fit in her Prius. 

Home alone I took my new allergy med and prepared a pretty good omelet for breakfast. I sat down in front of the TV and was watching the weather channel. After a few minutes of watching I noticed to my surprise and delight, I was getting (the only way to put it) a little aroused by watching the weather lady. There was something so sexy about her, the way she was pointing at the map, turning her back to the camera, the dress she had on , the sleek smooth look of the back of her legs.Yes! I was REALLY getting aroused! I mean it was blue steel, a cat probably couldn't scratch it!

 I changed to the History Channel to try to take my mind off of it. It was at the end of the documentary of the Manhattan Project and they were talking about the first nuclear bombs, "Little Boy" and "Fat Man". ....And they were ending with the massive explosions that they produced. And that didn't help me a bit, I was still, as they say, maintaining! Being the master of my domain, which I sometimes proudly am, this "arousal" was lasting over 3 hours. Long enough that I was truly getting worried. I couldn't get my wife on her cell phone. And I started remembering those warnings they advertise on TV about having an erection lasting longer than 4 hours. We are supposed to call our doctor. I made note of the time. And then the light bulb came on and it hit me, well it really didn't hit me although by this time it was big enough, the new meds!

I checked the new bottle and poured a couple pills in the palm of my hand. Yep, they were different. these had a big "C" and a 40 stamped on them and they were a little off color from my old meds. A quick look on the web with the laptop, which wouldn't fit on my lap by this time, if you get the picture. And sure enough, I identified them as Cialis! The highest dose made! Somehow Bill had given me the wrong prescription or the wrong pills.

Four hours crept by, I knew I was going to have to do something. Which I did, but it didn't help either except for a small reduction for a few moments but then it was back as it's angry self. After five hours I knew I was going to have to call our doctor.

Now I don't know about your clinic, but this was the day after Thanksgiving. You have to be pretty sick to get an appointment on the same day you call. With my Doctor Alan, you have to speak with his nurse first. She runs triage. You don't want to underestimate the seriousness of your illness or you won't get in that day and on the other hand you don't dare exaggerate either or she won't believe you next time. You have to be straight with her. If my wife had been home I would have had her speak to her, but this was serious I had to find a way to tell Nurse Baker what my trouble was. So I just blurt it out just like the commercial. "I've got an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours!". Long, Long, Long pause, total silence, you could hear crickets chirping.....But after you get through the initial conversation things really loosen up around there. She said with a laugh, "Ahhh, If you can still walk on your own, you better get right over here and bring that new medication you took with you!"

I pulled on a pair of sweat pants, I figured they would be less conspicuous. My jeans wouldn't fit. I grabbed the non-key to the Prius. Went out and tried to jump in the thing. It's my wife's car, she has short legs. To this day I don't know how to get the seat back, I don't drive it that much. So I left the seat forward and backed out of the garage. It was a very tight fit behind the wheel, particularly in my condition. At first driving was a little awkward being so close to the wheel. But before long I discovered I could actually drive with no hands and it was easier than driving with my knee. Hell, I was using both hands dialing the cell phone trying to get in touch with my wife and texting her. By the time I had driven the 15 miles to the doctor I was handling the wheel just fine. 

Now I'm telling you this because if you are like me, you have never really thought in your own mind all that you have to go through to take the advice of those Viagra and Cialis commercials. This is my experience, hopefully you won't have to go through this and find out for yourself. 

I walked into the clinic in my sweat pants, t-shirt and tennis shoes. The t-shirt pulled down in front as far as it would go. The clerk behind the desk says "And what are you here for?" Takes one look and says "Oh! it's you, we've been looking for you! ha ha ha ha! Do you have your copay?" I said "Hell I don't even have pockets".

"Well go set down, we prefer some place at the other end of the waiting room, away from the kid's toys. HaHaHaHa!"

Before I could sit down, Nurse Baker steps into the room and says "John, the Doctor will see you now." She grins and says "Oh John! Let me hold the door a little wider for you, HaHaHaHa!"

The first thing they do at any appointment is tell you to step on the scales. I say "You've got to be kidding!" She weighed me and said "Well, it looks like you've gained a few pounds, BaHaHahaha!" It was embarrassing I'm telling ya.

We went to the examination room, and the Nurse says with a big smile, "Well there's probably no reason to take your blood pressure!" They were getting the biggest kick out of this. Which did put me at ease. She didn't even ask to see it until the doctor got there.

Well the problem was taken care of with direct cold packs. And there was no harm done. I asked what he would have done if the ice hadn't worked. "Oh we would have just called Nurse Ratchet."  

He did take all the new pills away from me. Of course before I left I asked if he had any samples that might be at the right dose for me. He said "I'll think about it. But you have at least 24 hours left on this dose! Be careful what you think about!"

After this was over and I was safely back home,  my wife returned from shopping. Because of her dead batteries I was unable to call her all day. I was sitting comfortably in my usual living room easy chair. She takes one look and says "I suppose you've been sitting there all day doing nothing." I look at her with a big grin and gleam in my eye and say "Yep, didn't do a thing all day but if you want, I do have something to show ya!"

Such is the life of John.

I realized a while ago that being called "Sir" usually means you're in trouble or you've just done something dumb. Like "Oh Sir, you forgot your change" or "Oh Sir, you left your lights on". You can substitute Ma'am for Sir. It works the same for women. Think back and try to remember a time when you were referred to as Sir or Ma'am and it was a good thing, except for maybe"Thank you Sir". But we all know a "Thank you Sir" or Ma'am is not exactly heart felt but said only for lacking anything else to end a conversation.

A few months ago I spent a week at the company's head office in Canada. Which means airports, light luggage, pass ports, walking around in lines in your sock feet and xray machines. But I take it very light hearted. I just stand back and look at it and it's quite a sight. 100's of people nervously standing in line emptying their pockets, taking off their shoes, uncasing 100's of dollars worth of computers from their protective bags and handing them over to uncaring hands and xray radiation exposure. Some people, without socks, standing barefooted in who knows what on the floor. I'd recommend not wearing flip flops on these occasions. It is interesting watching how everyone removes their coat with one hand and hold all of their personal identification in the other. And at the same time cram all of their prized possessions and "travel stuff"  into plastic wash tubs. But amazingly it all goes like clockwork. That is until you hear those dreaded words "Oh Sir!" I got the "Oh Sir"  at least three times that trip.

The first was "Oh Sir, take off your belt!" The small buckle may set off the metal detector. Not removing your belt is a breach of protocol but not serious, probably no nights in jail will be involved and only a minor upset of this mechanical flow of human activity. No problem.

That done, I proceed toward the metal detector and I hear the second "Oh Sir" and I'm thinking wow I don't have much more clothing that I can take off, maybe the socks but that's about as far as I'd go not being acquainted with all of these people. Well it wasn't clothing removal, but I was outrunning my wash tubs and my travel stuff, you must remain in pace with your wash tubs on the xray machine conveyor belt. The phrase being  "Oh Sir! Remain in pace with your items". Ok I understand, I knew that. This must be a little higher breach of travel protocol because I think I sensed actual scorn from those passengers behind me, I was upsetting the natural flow of  this so very uncomfortably unnatural routine. So I precisely remained in pace and proceeded precisely into and through the metal detector with not a peep from the machine. Over all of this human din, I actually heard sighs of relief from my fellow traveler strangers behind me. I had passed all the tests and was worthy to proceed with them on our journey.

 Not so fast. The third "Oh Sir!" echoed through the line. "Oh Sir! Please come this way while your items are xrayed again.". You do not want to hear about your items in connection with the xray machine. This is a serious breach and definitely involves getting better acquainted with the TSA. I'm at this point wishing I had paid more attention to the news reports about water boarding. By this time there are three border guards squinting, pointing and discussing what was spotted on the Xray monitor. Heck my GP didn't examine my last CTscan this closely. I'm not being made privy to this information either. "Sir, stand here while I do a more complete search of your computer case". Now I'm saying "Yes Sir" to a twenty-something border agent. With rubber gloves on he begins the search. I understand, even I on occasion have used rubber gloves searching through my suitcases. He pulls out the computer power supply, I say to myself, "that's it! The wires the square block of plastic, it appears like an explosive device." But no, he continues searching. This time he pulls out a mechanical pencil, of course, a sharp pointed object, one jab and then slowly inject your victim with lead, one slow click at a time". But no, he digs deeper, one wireless mouse, one disk drive, two alignment tools, an eraser, yellow highliter, palm pilot (that's where that went, haven't seen that for years), my camera, directly to the bottom to my tin container of Altoid mints. I think, "of course, the Altoid's Curiously Strong Menthe taste and smell of peppermint has set off some sort of explosives detector." But he keeps digging.

By this time I actually offer my assistance. But that is my 4th breach of protocol, "Sir, you must remain silent and not approach the search!" A man could get shot for doing that one, it would not be pretty, maybe an international incident. I remained extremely quiet. He was not finding what he was looking for here and he was getting flustrated. They xray it again to get a better coordinate of what ever it was they were concerned with. Finally he said "Sir, I'm sorry but I'm just going to have to turn the case upside down and shake everything into a tub, I am sorry". Afraid to speak or approach, I very slowly nod yes. Now he is shaking out old M&Ms, peanuts, pennies, broken hair comb teeth, pencil lead and used chewing gum wrapped in notepaper. This isn't what they are looking for. He says, "you are probably wondering what I am looking for aren't you." Sensing that I can now speak, I said, "yes, what in the hell are you looking for". I say that with a smile of course, the water boarding may still be needed to reveal a secret compartment or something. He says "we can see a small allen wrench in the crease of the bag on xray but I just can't get at it. The allen wrench is on the forbidden tools list." He continues to frantically dig inside the bag and finally triumphantly retrieves a small diameter allen wrench. His fellow agents do a group high five and I think they in unison yell something like "Go team!". The agent then offered to place the wrench in the mail to me but they preferred to just throw the 25 cent item in the trash. I actually thought about having them mail it but I really thought they earned it, and told them to please keep it with my compliments.

I really found the whole experience interesting. That wrench has been in that bag for years and has gone through dozens of different xray machines without detection. And it makes you very fearful of just how many of those pesky allen wrenches could be out there just waiting to be put to use and shut down our whole air transportation system. The upside is, I finally had the time to clean out my computer bag and I didn't have to use rubber gloves to do it. 

Such is the life of John